Posted by: Abe | May 2, 2015

The Point System – Excellent and Free Marital Advice

Today, I offer free marital advice for men.
– THE POINT SYSTEM – Get Points for Doing Good Stuff; Try to Get the Most Points
I am often asked about this system. “How does it work?” guys ask me, their eyes wide with wonder, “Can I try it?”

To which I kindly reply, “Yes. I will tell you. Give me five dollars.”

How does it work? The Point System is simple. Do good stuff. Each good deed has a point value assigned to it. But the Point System is also complicated (sound familiar?). The same deed may have a different point value at a different point in time, depending on the history of your performance of said deed, and depending on the value of said deed in the eyes of your spouse. “WHAT?” You may be shouting, “You expect me to understand this?!” First, stop shouting before you get hauled off in a straight jacket. Second, give me a sandwich and I will explain. Let us consider the simple task of taking out the garbage. Let us assume that the garbage can in the kitchen is full.

– Scenario 1. You notice the garbage is nearly full. Without being asked, you take the garbage outside and deposit it into the outside can. How many points is this worth? First of all, you are a nerd. Now let us consider the value of this one deed.
5 points – If you always do this because you are a nerd. (Hint: If one of your wife’s friends comments that “they wish their husband would do this”, your point value is adjusted upwards. But your wife’s friend’s husband will think you are a nerd, so… yeah.)
10 points – If you never do this but for this one time. (CAUTION! You are entering a danger zone. WHY did you do it this time? Be prepared to answer. Incorrect answers result in negative points. There are no correct answers.)
12 points – If you occasionally do this. Trend towards the ‘more often than not’ and you will find these points adjust upwards over time.

– Scenario 2. The garbage is overflowing. You have been asked to take it out. (Hint: You are now in the negative. Tread carefully or you will need to restart this level.)
0 points – You say, “It’s not really full,” and you smash it down (I call this ‘compacting’). Then you repeat this performance for 2 more days until the can is full of goo, at which point you take it outside while grumbling about how nasty it is.
0 points – You take the garbage out now. (It’s too late for points. You were told. Nice going.)
-100 points – She takes it out herself. Yes, that is a (-) minus sign. Danger. Danger. Alert. Alert. Dive! Dive! You really messed up. Sorry, dude. All of your points are gone. Restart the level. And this time, try not to be such a doof.

As you can see, the Point System offers real opportunity for growth in a marriage. Not to brag or anything, but I have 40 points right now. Soon, I will catch up to my wife who has 1,375,998 points.


  1. you’re so smart for your gender!

    now i’ll forward this to roger

    love, m (the wife in question!)

    • Ah, thank you! Say hello for me.

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