Posted by: Abe's Blog | February 2, 2011

International Order of Cheese Eaters

With a clackity-boom, I pound my gavel. “I will have order!” I shout. My voice is muffled with the chunk of Greek feta I have been sampling. I try again. “Order!” But I am ignored, save for the movement of those closest to me as they seek in vain to dodge the flying bits of feta curds that are hurling towards them at nearly the speed of sound. I pound my gavel once again, but hear no sound. Glancing in the direction of the mallet-head, I deduce that the undesired silence is caused by the presence of a large wheel of  gouda which has found it’s yellowing way to my pounding spot. I drop the gavel and sample a bit of the gouda. Delicious.

Attempting to stand, I brush cheesey crumbs and bits of crackers from my lap. A few eyes draw towards me and a hush begins to fall on the masticating crowd. As the silence grows, I quaff a glass of cool water, swallow the gouda, and pronounce: “Tonight, we are pleased and honored to have the distinguished Herr Froctor Kremp in our presence. He will be speaking on the origins,” I pause here for dramatic effect, “of cheese.” I extend my hand towards Herr Kremp and bow with as much dignity as my curd-filled belly will allow.

Herr Kremp clumps to the front of the hall, his wooden clogs echoing beautifully upon the hardwood floor. Ascending the steps to the lecturne, he dons the ceremonial wedge-shaped cheese hat and extracts a laser pointer from his shirt pocket. “Ahem,” he clears his throat. “Ahem,” Once again. “Ahem..HaaaAAck!” He coughs frightfully, then begins to speak in a distinctly accented and high-pitched voice, “Zee history…of cheese,” he points to a picture projected behind him on the small screen, “beegins with zee Greeks. Accordink to Greek mythology, Aristaeous discovered cheese. Homer’s Odyssey describes zee Cyclops making cheese in his cave. Zees was a lonk, lonk time ago. Therefore, cheese is very old.

“Romans continued to perfect zee art of zee cheese-making. Pliny’s Natural History devotes an entire chapter to zee cheese enjoyed by fellows of his time.

“But perhaps zee most interestink story of cheese is it’s history of being used as a weapon.” At this, the jumbling crowd of cheese-eaters look on with greater interest. Herr Kremp pauses to dip a cracker into a fine Romanian Cas and closes his eyes as he tastes. The next slide is up: a World War II era German Bomber plane being loaded with round objects. Herr Kremp gulps at his water and continues, “In zee spring of 1945, as zee Great War was nearing its inevitable end, a German SS officer named Hans Lichstein was given a bombing mission but was not given any bombs. No bombs! Herr Lichstein quickly found a solution. Cheese bombs. Raiding zee local cheese factories of zee famous Allgau region, zee officer loaded his plane with Emmental, Barlauchrebell, Bruder Basil, and Cambozola. As zee great planes took to zee air, zee crew packed zee bomb bays with cheese. At zee appointed target zones, Lichstein gave zee order and zee cheese bombs were dropped with devastating effect.” 

The gathered cheese-eaters are impressed. Herr Kremp switches off the projector and removes the ceremonial cheese-wedge hat. “Sadly, Lichstein was deemed a fool and was demoted. He served out zee remainder of zee war as a shoe-polisher for the Officer’s Klub.” Herr Kremp steps down from the podium and shakes the proferred hands of the members.

I sit forward and pound my gavel once again. “Gentlemen, this concludes our quarterly meeting of the International Order of Cheese Eaters. We will reconvene in April when our guest will be Frank Horfull. He will be lecturing on the use of goat cheese in crime fighting. Until then, I bid you adieu.”

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Responses

  1. Abe….that’s a pretty cheezy story, but now that I finished reading it, I am tempted to go to the fridge for a snack.

    Pretty cheezy tale, but had I not already brushed my teeth, I’d head to the fridge for a cheddar party. Thanks for the laugh.

    • Thanks, Margie 🙂 Sometimes all we need is a bit of cheese.

  2. Doctor says no more cheese because of past heart attacks and to keep cholesterol low. Hmmm. Eat cheese danish, cheese omelet, extra cheese pizza, cream cheese, macaroni and cheese, broccoli and cheese. Even put cheese on tissue before I sneeze. Sorry doc, no way.

    • Perhaps the good doctor is unaware of the healing properties of cheese.

  3. Monty Python would be proud. Although I think the troupe would have wanted to see what happened to the poor cheese-bombed people below. 🙂

    What if they were armed with bananas? Which is mightier? The banana or the cheese wheel? Can history sort that one out?

    • In the interests of keeping the audience awake, I did not elaborate further. However, I believe that the bombees were quite thrilled with the gift from the sky, except for when a cheese wheel dropped on a person or a cow. They should have tried bananas 🙂

  4. OMG!! Where do you some up with this stuff? To take something as ordinary as… cheese, and create such an entertaining story… that was good. And the accent… I could actually hear it in my head as I read. Well done! ;-D

    • Thanks, Mika. Glad you enjoyed this cheesy tale.

  5. Quite clever. I loved the post, laughed a bit, and am a lover of cheese, myself.

    • Thank you for reading and commenting! The only people who don’t like cheese are allergic to it…and even they love it! 🙂

  6. Things have moved on wayyy more than those crude bombing runs!

    • Now THAT’s a cheese bomb!


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