Posted by: Abe's Blog | September 8, 2010

The Sickbay of Pigs–An Abe Conspiracy Blog

Author’s Note: This blog was originally posted in May, 2009 on another site. Since the posting of this blog, the pandemic has passed. Disaster has been averted. Again. Have you ever wondered why?

With a flapping of leather-soled shoes, the young aide ran through the hallowed White House halls. Breathlessly he clutched the sheaf of papers to his gasping chest. Slap, slap, slap, he runs and he runs, past the portrait of Franklin Pierce, the Dough-Face 14th President, and his successor, James Buchanan–also a Dough-Face, who bears the distinction of being the worst President in history.  Stopping suddenly at a seemingly random spot in the hall, the aide quickly glances to his right and then over his shoulder. Thinking he is unobserved, he steps forward and pushes with his free hand against a mahogany panel on the wall. A soft click is followed by a whir, and a hidden doorway slides softly to reveal a darkened stair. With a final glance, he patters quickly down the stair, the hidden door sliding shut with little sound. 

   But his movements have not gone unobserved. A dark figure clings high above, outstretched limbs against the ceiling, a silent repose of black. This shadow of sinister silence moves like liquid down the wall to glide quickly through the closing trap door before it is closed completely.

   At the bottom of the winding stair, the aide pushes open a final door and emerges into a smoke-filled room. Choking quietly, he tosses the papers onto the round conference table in the middle of the room, then retreats to his appointed place in the shadows. Seated in a comfortable chair at the head of the table, the President taps his cigarette into a crystal ash tray and grabs the paper at the top of the pile. He scans it quickly while he inhales a healthy drag from his smoke. The other individuals at the table watch him quietly. They puff on cigars between sips of cognac. “Well,” one of the men–a fit fortyish with dark skin and graying hair–leans forward, “what do you think Mr. President?”

   “I think this could work, Rhammy,” the President says, picking up the next paper in the stack, “but no one can ever know. If word gets out that we orchestrated this, we will know that it had to come from someone in this room.” He laughs in his joking way and adds, “Heh, heh. We would just have to kill them if they talked, heh, heh.” 

   In the corner, the aide presses himself further against the wall and attempts to make himself small. He knows that he will never talk, but he knows that if anyone else does, he shall bear the blame.

   In the stairwell, the dark shadow listens and observes. 

   The only woman at the table speaks up, “I am for it. After Katrina, the ball is in our court. If we control the events, we have nothing to lose. I hate to be a nag, but we really need to wrap this up. I have a flight to Bejing in ninety minutes. I say we do it and if it blows up, we do damage control. I am telling you, it worked for Bill and I, and you know what kind of shenanigans he got away with!”

  David Axelrod, Senior Advisor to the President clears his throat. “Mr. President, I believe this is a good move. Although it is unorthodox, to say the least, you have the majority of the country on your side. You are beloved, sir. Now is the time to make your moves and to continue to think outside the box. There may come a time when you are more constrained by the populace, but you know that time will be a long time coming. I say Hillary is right. You should move now and implement this strategic plan immediately. Our media plants are in place. Our infrastructure is set and waiting. Give the word, and we will make it happen.”

  “Swine flu?” the President says, doubtfully, “is that really the best name for it? It seems kind of silly.”

  Axelrod stands, “Mr. President, sir, pigs are very close to humans, but lack the cuddle factor of chimps. It will be very believable that a sickness could jump from pigs to humans. If people balk at this name, we can always call it something else…like ‘Mexican Flu’, or HV14 or something crazy like that.”

   “Should we let Janet in on it?” Rhammy asks.

   “No,” the President is prompt, “after her little ‘list’ of nutbags got out, she deserves to be on the run here. Let’s do this thing. What is the first step?”

  “We work with the media, sir,” David points to a sheet of paper, “I will make the call and get the ball rolling. The first ‘cases’ will come rolling in from Mexico, and will spread quickly. We have coordinated with the international community in order that our responses will be similar, yet different with respect to our cultures and politics. The media will run with this as they will be fed the proper details, and within a week, we will have a pandemic on our hands.”

   The President stands and begins to pace slowly, rubbing his chin with one hand and waving his cigarette in the other. “Yes. A pandemic which we quickly control. We will instruct the schools to close upon breakouts, and we will dig out the pandemic kits that were set up for the avian flu. Everything must move swiftly and smoothly. This will not be another Katrina. This will be my Administration’s reaction to disaster, and it will be beautiful. This will… Hey,” he turns slowly in the direction of the darkened doorway, “do you hear something?” 

   There is no sound. But unseen, a black-clothed figure slithers away to slip through the cracks and emerge into the night. In the light of the stars, the figure removes his flat black ninja suit and stuffs it into a gym bag he retrieves from behind a magnolia tree. He fluffs up the collar of his Hawaiian shirt, then plops a tattered straw cowboy on his hat and grins through his goatee. Tossing the gym bag into the back of a battered white Chevy pickup, he jumps in, slams the door, and starts the motor. Tonight he will blog. He will blog and the world will know the truth about the pigs. Tomorrow he may die at the front end of a silenced pistol. But tonight he will blog.



  1. Still one of my favorite writes by you. Every time I read it (which is actually several) I always think to myself that I really need to enlist you in a fiction project with me!

    • Sounds like fun. I think your best writing is your fiction stuff.

  2. Uhm…well, I don’t know what to say. I’m a huge SCI-FI buff, love UFO possibilities, enjoy extraterrestrial theories and certainly can find questions in the JFK assasination “one man” theory — but, well, I’m not a big conspiracy person at all so, I have to admit, it bothers me. Not becuase I don’t believe it isn’t possible, but because I believe in the best of our government. If I believe that Obama contrived the swine flu for political purposes and that the Clinton were manipulators as well, then I have to believe that Bush was behind 9/11. And that’s just idiotic. I’m a Democrat for sure, but I’m an American first and foremost.

    Uhem, and I understand this may just be fiction, but then…please know my comment is also just a “fictional response” from perhaps another character in your story — the other protagonist, let’s say? Cool 😉

    • I appreciate your viewpoint. I hope you know I don’t *really* believe this was a conspiracy–not in so many words, anyway. I was just having some fun here. I do think that politicians take advantage of catastrophes for political gain–that includes all of them! I’m non-partisan in this regard. 🙂

      • Okay but, I didn’t see any fictional Republican or Conservatives being accussed so I thought this might be a political statement (which is cool, but then I had to respond accordingly). Of course, I also believe politicians use situations for political gain — that’s the nature of the business they’re in. In other business its called marketing or PR. Same thing to me. It’s just some people are better at it than others. President Reagan was a master of it. Of course, I may be a bit biased, President Reagan was an actor after all so…

        • Yeah, you’re right…I’m a bit of a righty-leaner. I actually try to keep my blogs away from politics here and just keep it about the writing and such.

          • That’s the part of writing that kills me the most — the part of us that seeps through without us even noticing! But that’s because you’re good at what you do — you can’t help but express who you really are when being creative! It’s why I like you much Abe!

            My apologies if I harped a bit much on the politics of it — but, I hope you consider it a compliment — you got me all into it!


            • Ah, Carmen. I think you are a person who “gets all into” a lot of what you see or read, am I right? 🙂 It’s a good thing. Yeah, I do tend to express my rednecky self when I blog. That’s just who I am. However, I like to consider myself an “enlightened redneck” 🙂 That’s because I enjoy diversity and the diverse and variant opinions that abound in this great world. I know what I believe, but I try hard to understand and appreciate the belief of others.

              • Not sure “rednecky” is accurate, in all fairness though I tend to view the “R” word in the same light as I do the “N” word, so it’s too negative a vibe for me — I would say you came across slighty conservative but only in your politcs. Not the “R” word at all. (and pssssttt…very creative).

                I admit I “get into” most things that interest me – maybe too much (yikes!) but I can’t help it! And BTW, I consider you an enlightened person. Period.

  3. Hmmm, well except for the bipartiisanship….lol, I liked it.

    • Ooh, sorey 🙂 Glad you liked it.

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