Posted by: Abe's Blog | May 10, 2010

Green Mountain Takedown, Part 1

Undercover Deputy Norbert Bartman lifted his dripping face from the faucet and peered at his reflection in the cracked mirror. He thoughtfully examined his bushy mustache, a thing of beauty in which he had become increasingly proud. Not all men can grow such a ‘stache, he told himself, and even fewer have the guts to try it. Norbert had the guts. He moved back slightly until he could see his shoulders and his bare chest. The glare of the incandescent light over the mirror made his pale skin glow. Norbert struck a pose–the classic Schwarzenegger “Mr Olympia” shrug–bunching his shoulders up with a grimacing snarl. Oh. Yeah. He was ready. Pumped and primed. He relaxed his shoulders, then stared at his pectorals and willed them to move. One. Two. Up. Down. Left. Right. Left…

A knock on the door made him jump. “Bartman! What are you doing in there? Let’s get a move on.” With a final sneer at his reflection, Norbert turned away and walked out of the bathroom. Deputies Ben Klaus and Jon Rein were waiting for him in the shabby room. Rein was sitting in the only chair, watching a Beverly Hills 90210 re-run on the large TV. Klaus was sitting on the bed, pulling assorted electronic equipment from a large black duffel bag.

“Whoa! You get HBO,” Rein said, looking up from a small paper with television channels listed on it, “How long do we have this room for, anyway?”

Klaus ignored him and turned to Norbert. “Bartman. You ready for this, man? I need you to focus. Focus!” He snapped his fingers at Norbert, who had been staring zombie-like at the television. Norbert started and straightened to attention.

“Yes, sir! I’m ready, sir. And let me just say what an honor it is, sir,” Norbert’s chest seemed about to burst with pride. “I…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, Bartman. Now get over here and let me put this wire on.”

Norbert stood in front of Klaus who grabbed a flexible microphone. Norbert winced as the cold instrument was placed against his skin and Klaus began securing it with silver duct tape. He placed a few pieces of tape against the wire to hold it still, then began slathering large sticky pieces across Norbert’s hairy chest. “Hey…that’s gonna hurt when I take it off,” Norbert stared down at the tape. Behind him, Rein snickered quietly. Klaus plugged the wire mic into a small transmitter and taped this securely between Norbert’s shoulder blades. Rein’s giggles proved contagious, even for an old pro like Klaus, and soon they were both snorting as they pictured Norbert attempting to remove the extra-sticky tape without tearing off his chest and back hair.

As Klaus placed the final piece of duct tape over an especially hairy mole, the motel door banged open and a slender woman walked in and placed a box of muffins on the table. “What are you guys doing?” She asked as she grabbed a poppy seed muffin. “That’s way too much tape! He’s going to lose all of his chest hair. And his back? What…” She took a swig of hot coffee from a paper cup. Norbert glared, turning from Klaus to Rein to the woman. Then she caught the look in Rein’s eyes and snorted so hard that coffee spurted from her nostrils. She began choking and gagging and stumbled for the bathroom door as the hot liquid cascaded down her blouse in frothing streams. Klaus and Rein roared and bent over with laughter, and even Norbert couldn’t help but chuckle, then he too was laughing like a hyena.

“Out of the nose! Priceless, Sandra!”




  1. Ok I’m looking forward to part 2, Abe.

    Ever think about getting your chest waxed? Not me. I don’t care if you swim better with less hair. Fuck that. I’ll keep my hair and swim like a hippo. Don’t care.

    Gotta be painful though.

    • I once shaved my chest as a joke…only the joke turned out to be on me when it started itching like a son of a gun. I’ve never done it again. I like my chesty hair.

  2. Yeah, part two please. Thank you. (and you boys are funny! I’m always shocked to learn that men are just like women in so many ways….). Ha!

    • Thanks, Nadia! I think I need to post part 2 after the weekend…

      My wife works in a salon. Long ago I decided that women are “worse” when it comes to many things 🙂 And I mean that in a good way.

      • Well, at least we don’t cry when we wax! Hmm… I’d like a definition of your meaning of “women are worse in a good way”…whenever you have a moment, of course!


        • I’ve always said that if men were the child bearers, we would die out in a generation. Women are tougher. Doubters need only stand by and watch a 9 pound baby be birthed by a woman…wow. Oops, off topic.

          How to explain what I meant… Having the ‘insider’s’ view of the private lives of women, I would say that the topics discussed and the schemes devised can be quite scandalous and devious. When women get together they talk about different things than men do.

          • Hmmm…okay, you get a pass…for now. It’s a good thing I like your music

            *smile*. . .

  3. I know, I know… you’ve been waiting on my before posting part 2… I’m here now, you can go ahead and post it 🙂
    Seriously, why isn’t WP letting me know when you blog? I’m subscribed!!!

    • Okay, I’ll post Part 2. You should be getting emails of my posts if you are subscribed. If not, try unsubscribing, then subscribing again. Also, when you are reading my blog, click on the Blog Info button on the top, then select Follow Blog. Then when you are logged into WordPress, when you click on Blog Surfer, it will show up there. Good luck! Thanks for commenting, Suz. Have a great day.

  4. […] the second posting in a series. Interested readers may follow this link to the first installment: Green Mountain Takedown, Part 1 The Green Mountain Cafe is famous for its 8-Pound Mountain Burger Challenge. A sign, yellowed with […]

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