Posted by: Abe's Blog | April 25, 2010

Abe 2 the eXtreme

I’m turning 40 in about a month. Most of my readers have already passed this milestone; I can hear you all telling me, “Buck up, man! That’s NOThing! You’re still a baby! Stop whining!” Yeah. Whatever. For me, it is a painful milestone…kind of like having your head squeezed slowly in a large vise. As a child, I could not imagine turning 30, but that is only because my 30th birthday was scheduled to take place in the year 2,000. We all knew that the world would end before then, so I did not consider a life beyond this point. As we emerged from our caves and plugged our non-Y2K compliant computers back into the grid, I realized that I was still alive and officially entering the years of my adult-hood.

Now, balding (though still heart-wrenchingly handsome) and filled with wisdom, I am coming to grips with the fact that although my body is still as chiseled as Michelangelo’s David, I can already feel the weakness of my knee joints from years of climbing up and down mountain terrain. My shoulder and one of my wrists are in constant pain. Once or twice a year, my back decides to get in on the fun, paralyzing me with pain and driving me at last to the doctor for muscle relaxants and funny pills. Being full of wisdom as I am, I know that things are only going to get worse. And, like many wise men before me, I know that there must be something I can do to stop, and possibly reverse, the ravages of time.

The Fountain of Youth

 
 

In the beginning, we lived forever. But, following the consumption of the forbidden fruit, mankind was banished from Eden and doomed to mortality upon the face of this earth. The Long Livers survived for hundreds of years, but each successional generation suffered from shorter and shorter life spans. As the span of a man’s life shortened, his desire to live forever–or at least a very long time–and to retain the physical greatness of his youth grew. In this quest, the legends were born.

In the 5th Century BC, the Greek historian Herodotus wrote of a spring or fountain that could provide restorative youth and healing to the drinkers or bathers of its waters. He believed the Fountain of Youth to be in Ethiopia.  The legend of a magical fountain persisted throughout many cultures, culminating with the famous tale of Ponce de Leon, the Spanish Conquistador, and his search for the Fountain in the magical land of Bimini. Instead of a magical File:Fountain of Youth postcard.gifland of healing fountains, Ponce de Leon “found” Florida. Undeterred, he erected the first amusement park of the new world, Fountain of Youth Park. Tourists have been flocking there for ages to drink of the special water before running to the special Toilets of Relief.

As you can see by my learned discussion of history, I am not such a fool as to embark upon a world-wide quest for a magical elixir. Those who have gone before me have tried and failed and their bones have long since returned to the dust from whence they came. I have a different plan. An ancient Guru, Sufi Suffumondo Suffumochis, was renowned for his response when confronted with every question that was posted to him by the supplicants who climbed the craggy peak upon which he resided. Looking into their eyes with his piercing gaze, he would tell them, “It’s all in your head.” Many a pilgrim fell to his death while attempting the long rappel down from the Guru’s lair. Eventually the story of his response spread throughout the lands and the needy chose another to answer their deepest questions. Guru Suffumochis changed his name to Larry Smith, immigrated to the States, and opened a successful video store chain.

Taking a page from the Guru’s philosophy, I believe it is within my power to drive the old out of my head and to renew the youthfulness of my brain. Perhaps if my brain is changed, my body will follow. How will I young-ify my head, you ask? I will stop the hands of time by going eXtreme. I know that I am a bit behind the times–the extreme movement was really heavy in the late ’90’s and is passe’ by now, but I am never one to pay attention to fashion norms. I think a healthy dose of eXtreme is exactly what is in order at this stage in my life. I have already begun the transformation.

First, I have grown a top-knot.

This aggressive, yet artistic hair-do suggests ancient power and virility with the added bonus of disguising my bald spot.

eXtremers need a sport. I have always been into solitary sports, but in the spirit of the change, I have decided to become an eXtreme Chicken Fighter. Don’t roll your eyes. This has nothing to do with chickens. Just check out the official ChickenFightClub.com website and see for yourself. This sport involves manly men carrying young ladies upon their shoulders while they attempt to stay upright in knee-deep water. It looks tough, but I’m up for the challenge.

In a previous blog we discussed the wearing of goggle eye apparel. I believe that will play an important part in my eXtreme costume. And, as previously discussed, I already have the goggles. I’m not afraid to wear them.

I’m ready. Everything I do is going to be me to the eXtreme. As a final insult, I will not be tossing the keys to my Chevy and will be driving everywhere in my log skidder, Nagatha. If that isn’t eXtreme, then I don’t know what is. Now get out of my way and watch me be young again!

Work Pics | Giving Nagatha some love. | Abe

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Responses

  1. Oh, you foolish young man. First you curse me in my search for self and then you proceed on your own insane efforts!

    Will you mere humans never learn?

    I surely do love Nagatha and those goggles.

    I must go now and “neg” someone.

    • Driving Nagatha has a way of making the cares of the world go away. One’s focus is turned solely towards staying alive as Nagatha tries to tip over at every bump and kill the driver.

      My stubbornness has been well-documented. I insist on learning all hard lessons in my own way. I do respect the words of my elders…I just want to have the same knowledge as they do, so I have to try on my own. In the end I can say, “Yep, you were right!”

  2. Ah, to be forty and foolish again! 8)

    • I’m looking forward to the foolishness!

  3. It’s kinda cool to hear a man be concerned with an AGE thing. I just never hear men talk about it. Kinda sexy Abe. Hmmm… A sensitive deep man, yet a man’s man for sure…. fascinating. You should be excited to turning 40 — real women love REAL men, not boys. . .

    (hee! hee!).

    Nadia!

    • That’s true, but I’ve also heard of trading in a 40 for two 20’s. 🙂
      Thank you for the kind words. I really am manly, as you can tell by my skidder picture. See how filthy my clothes are? Yep. That’s the proof.

  4. I love you, Abe. You never let me down. Thanks for the smiles with everything you post. I’m turning 38 this summer. Thus far, over 30 has been the same year after year… though when 40 comes I’ll probably stress it a bit myself… I hope I don’t bald. The good news for you is, you are already blessed with a wonderful life partner & your health … and a fabulous sense of humor! That chicken fighting sounds fun… I’m going to check out the link.

    • Thanks, Suz! If you check out the Chicken Fighting link, you will see a video. Right in the beginning of the video you will see a guy who is considering eating a jelly fish in return for a beer. That’s eXtreme…but don’t try that when you chicken fight!

  5. Buck up, man! That’s NOThing! You’re still a baby! Stop whining!

    I really enjoy Xtreme Playstation 3 games. They’re awesome and not too hard on the joints.

    • I have a small son who has not yet grasped the concept of sharing video games. So, at least for now, I am shut out of the gaming room.

  6. I’m just meandering around a bit and finally made it over here to check things out. In doing the math, it looks like your birthday is right around now, give or take. Happy Birthday!

    (And thanks for the PG version of David. Too funny.)

    • Ah, you caught that, eh? Hee hee. Thanks for stopping by and thank you for the birthday wishes!


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