Posted by: Abe's Blog | April 19, 2010

The Science and Art of Pick Up Artists

A couple of years ago, I happened to see a show on VH1 that caused me much hilarity. It was called The Pickup Artist, and involved a dude wearing eyeliner and goggles sitting in a faux fir throne teaching nerdy boys how to pick up women. These sessions involved moody lighting, deep and suspenseful music, and tears from the nerds as they were berated by the Master–Mystery. When I saw this, I laughed and laughed. I thought it was a joke.

Recently, I read…okay, I skimmed, through an article in the Weekly Standard called The New Dating Game. The article had many pages and only a few pictures, but I gathered the gist of it. Apparently young women of today like to be treated poorly and are looking for casual physical encounters with jerky men. And apparently, I have been out of the dating world for so long that it has become a foreign land. As I turned the pages of my intellectual magazine, I noted reference to Mystery and the world of pickup artistry. It actually has a history, beginning in the early ’90’s. And terminology! A pickup artist is a pua. In fact, there is a whole lexicon: peacocking, set, neg… Being the dogged researcher that I am, I embarked on a massive internet search for this world of pickup artistry. Two and a half seconds later, Google had it laid out for me and, tightening my anti-carpal tunnel wrist band, I began surfing.

To my amazement, I found that the world of pickup artistry is real. Mystery’s website, The Venusian Arts, gives a complete picture. Co-founded by Mystery, Matador, and Lovedrop, the group provides training across the United States and…the world. Yes, my friend, there is a UK Certified Lead Instructor now. Wait a tic…those names…Mystery? Matador? Lovedrop? HA HA AHHHH! Oh man! Now, in my day these fools would have gotten kicked right between the pockets for trying to have names like these. Perhaps attempts such as these are made now, but maybe these guys have good bodyguards. But upon further inquest, we find that name-changing is essential to become a Pickup Artist (note my capitalization of the name as my mad respect deepens). Mystery was born Erik James Horvat-Markovic, then adopted the cooler name Erik von Markovic, then finally in a fit of nerdish genius, shortened it to Mystery before glueing goggles to his forehead. I don’t know what Lovedrop’s original name was, but I can tell from his new name that he has a poor sense of style; Lovedrop? Yuck. It sounds like a nice name for a disease…but I digress.

The nerds have developed a scientific method for getting the girl. Mystery’s book, The Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed, teaches dorks world-wide a scientific algorithm for getting “Supermodel Hot” girls to come back to your room–apparently to clean it for you while your mother bakes you Tollhouse cookies. Not satisfied with reading about it? Don’t know how to read? Lucky for you, Mystery and his crew of homeboys offer “Training” sessions. These can be found on his website, but buyer beware: You will need to deposit $999, and the total cost (non-refundable, I am sure) will be $2,997. Choke! What the…okay, they really are preying on the weak here. Why didn’t I think of this!!!

Many Pickup Artists, sorry “PUA’s”, say that in their past they were hopeless nerds. Mystery spent most of his time playing Dungeons and Dragons until he got tired of being a loser and developed his scientific girl-getting algorithm. I find this hard to believe. I mean, look at his goggles! They are so cool and…unresistable…I find myself drawn to them as a bug to a flame. Slap! Snap out of it man! It’s the algorithm! It’s dangerous…

After researching this exciting topic, I am thankful that I am married and do not have to play this game. But I am also thinking that perhaps Mystery’s method could be used to spice things up a bit. I have goggles and I know I could come up with a great outfit. I know she will be impressed. This is going to be great. Thanks, Mystery and your Merry Band of Nerds!

 Work Pics | ...and THIS is why your not. | Abe

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Responses

  1. Taking notes here, Abe.

    Nothing promotes the dropping of panties more than the picture of a guy in goggles, holding a chainsaw.

    • Yes, I am onto something here. I’m thinking I may start a backwoods version of Pickup Artistry–sort of a boot camp in which people pay $3,000 to cut my firewood and get yelled at.

  2. You know, it seems to me that we have streets right in the middle of town that a man could pick up quite the hotty for 50 bucks. I should write a book and charge 2999.00 on how to do this!! I would have to get permission from wifey on doing the research though.. hmmm

    • Ooh, good idea, but beware: You are treading on a tricky trail here. But, once the wifey sees the benefits (the $2999.00) she is sure to fall for your tricky tale. Perhaps Mystery’s methods can be used to elicit the proper response from said wifey. (See “neg”).

  3. Oh Abe, your goggle pic puts the one by Mystery to shame!

    • Thank you! You can see how much tougher I look than he does, right? From my experience, it’s the tough guy that gets the girl… You can’t see my eyeliner in this pic, though.

  4. I watched about 4 episodes of that show. Being single, I wanted to know what to look for… the red flags, warning signs…etc… but I was stunned because it was all so ridiculously lame and blatantly obvious I was convinced it would never work… yet it does, on dumb skanks. And that’s the brilliance of it, it’s not about finding love… it’s about getting laid and how easy it is to achieve in today’s market. This guy mystery is a genius, not because he invented it… far from it… guys have been doing it forever, but because he marketed it and made it look as if it was something new… the only thing new is that the feminist movement is in the toilet and chicks today have zero self respect so it’s working now when it wasn’t working before… same ol’ shit, different day.
    There was a guy on myspace, sonyata, who read and practiced the entire method just for fun and wrote a blog series about it that was actually quite interesting. You should check it out.

    • I think you’re right. It’s a sad commentary, which is what the Weekly Standard article was really all about. Times, they have a changed. In my day if you changed your name to Matador and dressed like Fabio, you would have been laughed out the door. But back then maybe the ladies had higher standards? Actually, you would probably appreciate the Weekly Standard article. I remember Sonyata. I’ll check out his blog.

  5. I think the difference between someone like Mystery and me is that I have a filter that says “that is a dumb idea, no one is buying pick up techniques from anyone in goggles except Abe”.

    Mystery has no such filter and becomes rich. Of course, he also spent decades playing dungeons and dragons. Sometimes the filter pays off.

    • I think your filter is working fine. Someday, I believe that Mystery may learn the truth of the matter. Some day in the distant future, he will gather his grandchildren together and tell them, “I only knew your mothers for about an hour. I wore goggles to attract her. The stuff she told you about me is true. I am asking you all to live a different life than I have. Don’t play dungeons and dragons! It’s for nerds!”

  6. […] a previous blog we discussed the wearing of goggle eye apparel. I believe that will play an important part in my […]

  7. too damn funny. love the picture. If it works, it works, right? Some of these guys just need a bit of help learning some conversational techniques and other tips to help them overcome anxiety about approaching a woman.

    • Thank you, sir! I see that you are indeed an expert in the field. Thank you for reading and thank you for your comment.

  8. I hate this dating buissness a bit. I have been married since I was 18- I am twenty eight now and find myself in the middle of a divorce. Men want to date men want to date me , but this all seems so foreign to me.

    • Hey Brandi. Well, I hope this blog is helpful to your situation. You should now be able to spot the PUA’s from a mile away. Especially if they are wearing goggles.

  9. minus the chainsaw, you actually look like a cool dude who could charm some ladies, funny pic!
    btw, I am Juggler……I am sure you remember who that is from The Game

  10. Hold the phone; are you saying that you are Wayne ‘Juggler’ Elise, author, performer, and founder of Charisma Arts?

    I think this may be the first time I’ve had a commentor who had his own Wikipedia page. It’s an honor to be sure. If you ever need a manly speaker with a chainsaw who tells it like it is (speak loudly to be heard over your giant chainsaw), then let me know.

    Seriously, thank you for your comment and for your sense of humor and for reading my blog.

  11. […] few months ago, I wrote a blog with the unassuming title, The Science and Art of Pickup Artists. The blog was about a segment of the male population (genus Homo Sapien) who believe that […]


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