Posted by: Abe's Blog | April 6, 2010

Morons; The Scourge of the World

In certain circles, I am known as an eloquent waxer of words. Some have said that I am the modern-day equivalent of Play-Do (whomever that may be, I care not!). This day I have chosen to wax on a political issue, BUT WAIT! Fear not, my feckless friends, for I have chosen a completely non-partisan issue upon which we can all agree. Despite the color of our State, our flag, our shirts, our skins, and our underpants, we can all find common ground and chant in monotonous rhythm our catchy slogans, “Stop   The   Mad-ness! Stop The Mo-Ro-ni-ty!” And regardless of whether we drink tea or coffee, we can join in bi-beveraged unity in our fight to stop idiocricity from ruining our purple mountained majesty.

By now, I am sure you have the heard of the unfortunate comments made by Representative Hank Johnson while questioning Admiral Robert Willard at an armed services committee. If you are one of the few who has not, I helpfully provide the following video in hopes that you are not left behind when the popularity train leaves the station.

For those of you with telegraph-internet connections, let me summarize:
Rep. Hank Johnson is concerned that the island of Guam will “tip over” if more armed forces are added to its population. After all, the island is only 7 miles wide at its widest point.

First, I would like to commend the Admiral for keeping a straight face when asked this question and for answering like a gentleman. Second, I would like to run in screaming terror into my bathroom to hide in my tub and suck on my thumb for a moment while I contemplate the fate of our nation in the hands of such learned fellows. And now?

Now, I would like to be a “part of the solution” rather than part of the problem. See how far I have come? I will not choose to tease and cajole Mr. Johnson, goading and prodding him to the point of tears. No, I would like to offer practical tips for how we can deal pro-actively with the problem. I, for one, do not want to stand idly by as Guam tips upside down in horrible catastrophe. Therefore, I offer the following government-funded solutions to solve the potential quandary before it quandarizes:

Paint all the buildings in pastel colors. Research has shown that pastel colors are more pleasing or “light”. Dark colors have been proven to bring people “down” and therefore should not be used on buildings or in works of art.
Provide free sodas to all Guamanians. Soda is carbonated. In laymen’s terms, that means it is impregnated with fizzy gas. As we have seen in the 1971 documentary, Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, drinking fizzy lifting drinks may at times cause a lightness of one’s body. If everyone on Guam drinks this stuff, that might save them from certain doom.
Tie geese to the ground when they try to migrate north. I will admit that this option sounds crazy, but if you think it through, I believe you will see that it kills two birds with one stone while saving the tipsy island from bubbling death.
No fat people allowed. I will admit that this solution is harsh. In fact, as a fat person, I am highly offended that this solution would even be offered. However, our nation is currently at war with fat, having solved the drug and poverty problems that plagued us in our distant past. If you would just put down your Big Mac and think for a moment, I believe you will see that this is a political boon.

Well, I think that is a good start. I will stand now and bow deeply from the waist for your thunderous applause. And now, having popped another ibuprofen, I will sit back and begin thinking again. For while you, Mr. or Mrs. Average Citizen, may be turning back to your normal existence, I will be waiting with my hand upon The Red Phone, ready to act once again in defense of my country and all of her Organized, Unincorporated Territories.



  1. Soda water Abe? are you out of your mind? Soda water is carbonised with carbon dioxide, do you want the burps of the Guamanians cooking us in global warming?

    My suggestion is to tow Guam and beach it in a safe place so it would not capsize.

    I hear that Rep Johnson recently took an IQ test and the results came back “negative”

    • Ah, my solution causes another problem–such is the way of solutions! But no matter, we need only find another government-funded option to counter-act the consequence. In this case, we can lower a giant plastic dome over the island to keep the fizzy burp gas contained.

      I do like the idea of towing the island. Or perhaps we can drain the water around it so that no longer has to float.

  2. Your analysis and recommendations were brilliant as usual.

    I would like to add that after the dome is placed over the island, the U.S. Congress be moved to Guam along with the lobbyists. This should ensure that enough hot air would be trapped to keep the place afloat. We might need to implement some kind of anchoring system though to keep it from floating away. So we might have to vary the number of politicians allowed on the island.

    We definitely need some kind of government commission to be established to study the problem further. That commission should also be located on Guam to help with the hot air issue.

    BTW, I loved your post!

    • Thank you, Roger. Your idea is excellent and will be quickly passed up the chain of command. As for anchoring the island, perhaps we can use all of the Cash for Clunker cars.

  3. I’m stunned. Speechless actually (and you know how rare that is).

    Um, how the Admiral kept a straight face is utterly beyond me. And how the learned Senator had the balls to actually say what he said, without immediately doing a face-palm afterward (or even a mild wince), is beyond me.

    Your soda solution is fraught with peril. If the islanders don’t burp on mass, they surely will expel guess in the other direction. And that’s just asking for propulsion nightmares. Do you really want Guam bump-bumping up against the Philippines? (Well, depending upon which way the islanders are facing once they start releasing gas, of course). No. Of course not. I mean, if I were a Filipino and some wayward island with a bunch of farting islanders bumped into *MY* home, I’d be highly incensed. Pissed, even.

    • To be fair, the Rep’s PR dept offered a statement to the effect that he was “obviously joking”. Uh…yeah. Funny. Any way you look at it, there are problems!

  4. I watched it twice, hoping for a sign that it was a joke. Yeah, this slipped past me… which is probably a good thing. Tip over… ha! I think you could easily sell this guy your brilliant solutions. As you know, I am available to help you activate this plan… I’ll be your secretary…. put together the proposal, fly to Guam with you (I only weight 110lbs), and of course help you on the accounting of it all… making sure we get paid (yeah, that was including me…lol). Abe, have I told you lately that I love you?

    • Thank you, Suz! Yes, seeing as how you only weigh 110 pounds, you would offset my fatty quotient enough so that I would be allowed to land on the island. Getting paid is very important, so you are hired!

  5. hahahahahahaha…. I still can’t believe that congressman said what he said. Many funny and ridiculous things have been said by politicians, but holy cow, this one is out there. hahahahaha….

    I wish I had been that military guy…. I would have looked at the congressman like he was crazy and asked… ‘are you serious?’… hahaha… just to get him to say it again… then I would have asked… ‘are you serious?’ hahahaha… over and over….

    • Yeah, wouldn’t that have been fun?

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