Posted by: Abe's Blog | April 2, 2010

How Krazy Glue Bonded Four Women In A Diabolical Plot of Revenge

Earlier in the week, I heard a snippet of a news story. I am sure you know by now that I am a big fan of News of the Wierd. This story had me thinking and waiting for the weekend to arrive when I could delve deep into research to arrive at the “meat” of the matter. The further I dug, the more I realized that this was really a “sticky” situation and one that was complicated by “extenuating” circumstances.

Do you remember back in The Day? Remember those ads for Krazy Glue in which a nutty construction worker was hanging from his hard hat by Krazy Glue? Borden Krazy Glue - No Run GelIt appears that this “Krazy” glue can bond just about anything. We’ve all heard about people who have accidently glued their fingers together and then had to have their hands cut off because they couldn’t get the glue undone, right? Or those people who played silly jokes on others by gluing their hands to coffee mugs, or their butts to chairs. Funny stuff, right? So…Krazy Glue can bond anything to anything.

Now let us imagine for a moment that we are a 36 year-old hunky man. Now let us imagine that we are married to a woman who is a few years our senior. To add dimension to this tale, let us assume that the man in question is a tad…lazy…though he enjoys the benefits of being married to a hard-working woman. He gets to spend a lot of his time on the internet. He discovers Craigslist, and after perusing the ads for cheap cars, bicycles, and electric guitars, he finds to his wondrous joy that there are women advertising for “casual encounters”. Upon further typing and tapping and electric correspondence, he finds that these women are just his type: older, single, looking for someone to “love them long-time”, and willing to pay for the motel, gas money, booze, smokes, and whatever else the young loser-man needs to fulfill their every desire. The man describes himself as single and begins to hook up with a few of these woman, telling each one “I LO-O-O-VE you, baby. You fine. Someday I’m gonna marry you. We gonna have a nice life, baby.” And they spend and they hump.

Now our tale turns. The young man’s wife discovers his infidelity. But she does not confront him directly. Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, is a city of only 43,000 souls, and it does not take much for her to find the women her man is boinking and to talk to them directly. And here our tale turns ever more: the women decide that he is a dirty dog and band together to seek his destruction. Can you imagine? Oh, the woes that will follow this fellow. Together, these women scorned hatch a Diabolical Plan to teach young Mr. Humpsalot a little lesson about messing around. They enlist the help of another woman–perhaps she is not a fan of this fellow–and together they load the trap…and spring it.

Our young man receives a phone call on his cell while riding his bicycle to 7-11 for some smokes and a 40. He answers, “Yo, wuttup babe.”
“Hey gorgeous, what are you up to?”
“Ah, just chillin’. How bout you, hottie?”
“Oh…just laying around and thinking about you. You want to meet up for some hot love?”
“Uh…yeah. You KNOW it, baby.”
“I’ll tie you up and give you a rub down.”
“Aah! Ow! Crap!”
“Huh?”
“Oh…I crashed my bike. I’m okay. Where do you want to meet?”
“Motel 6. Route 9. I’m already here. Ooh, I am gonna show you some LOVIN’ tonight!”
“Oh man, I am gonna start pedaling now. I’ll be there as soon as I can!”

And off our sap goes, pedaling his Huffy as fast as it will go.

Meanwhile, in the motel room, Diabolical Plan, Phase 2 is in play. Sheer sheets are arranged, silky ropes laid out carefully, and the wife and two other women help another, Theresa, choose a hot little number to wear for the evening.

A knock on the door reveals the presence of our hapless “victim”. As the wife and two of the women run for the bathroom, leaving Theresa to open the door and usher in the horny fellow. At this point in the story, I would like to let the Associated Press tell us what transpires next:

    The women’s plot for revenge unfolded last Thursday at the Lakeview Motel about 30 miles southwest of Green Bay in the tiny village of Stockbridge near the scenic shores of Lake Winnebago. Criminal complaints filed Friday allege the man agreed to be bound with “sheer sheets” and blindfolded with a pillowcase for a “rub down” by Ziemann. She instead cut off his underwear with a scissors and summoned the others to the room with a text message.
     Ziemann struck the man in the face, and used Krazy Glue to attach his penis to his stomach when the other women arrived, according to the complaints. The man told investigators he also was threatened with a gun. Ziemann told investigators she didn’t have a gun but may have told the victim, “Do you know how much I want to shoot you?”

Now, I realize that this part of the story went by quickly. Did you happen to catch the part where they glued the man’s penis to his stomach? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! That is hiLARious! What a good one! If you follow the AP link above, you will find other wonderful tidbits: The women ran away leaving him tied up but took his wallet, car keys, and cell phone; he CHEWED his way free! HAAAA haaaa! Oh, I love this stuff.

The women were arrested and charged with all sorts of heinous crimes.

Notice in the photo above that the eyes of the women say, “What? He deserved it, the dirty dog!” Check ’em out.

gluemugshots.jpg

The women were released on $200 bond each, but face up to SIX YEARS IN PRISON! Crazy, huh? “What are you in for?” “I glued my husbands dingus to his belly.” “You GO girl!”

Since this event transpired, the tale has taken a few more twists. The un-named “victim” in this crime has been arrested and charged with child abuse, theft, unlawful telephone use, and harassment with the use of a death threat. Apparently he is angry. I would be too! “What am supposed to do with my what-what glued to my belly button? I can’t even stand up straight!”

But…in my humble opinion…this dude deserved what he got. I will now join in the campaign to Free The Four Gluers!

Peace.
Peace and love. May the chickens you hunt fall freely at your feet.
Yo.

Author’s Note: I originally posted this on another site about six months ago. Since then  my legal team has advised me that some readers may think that I am condoning the type of behavior documented in this blog. That is categorically untrue. First, Krazy glue is for gluing plastic to wood, wood to steel, or hardhats to girders and should not be used on foreskin of any type. Secondly, violence of any type, including the type that ends up with people having their parts glued to other parts, does not solve relationship problems; these problems can only be solved through long, intensive, and costly therapy sessions with a Bonafide Guru of Relationships such as myself.

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Responses

  1. Great story, Abe!!!

    Where, or how, do you find this “weird news?”

    How do I make an appointment with the Guru?

    Please answer both questions.

    Roger

    • I have inherited my dad’s unique talent for attracting such news. I believe he has a scrap book full of actual news clippings of this kind of stuff. I can’t remember how I found this one, but it was NOT from a search of Krazy Glue Penis. I can tell you that much for certain.

      I will have my people call your people and they can set up an appointment.
      “Don’t worry, it will happen.” That’s a freebie.

  2. What’s that old adage that our parents used to tell us? “If you have a big penis, you become one?” Of this guy, we can literally say “What a dork!”

    Chances are that the size differential between the two different “states” is probably not minimal, ensuring that pain will ensue as his desire disappears.

    • I keep thinking about the fact that he chewed his way free. How, exactly did he do that?

  3. You know what’s so wierd: I disagree with you Abe! I think what these women did was out of line. I don’t know. It reminds me of that Loriana Bobbit chic (I think that’s her name). I don’t know — maybe I’m too harsh (or have much respect for the penis? Ha!) but…they acted stupid and silly and what did they expect they were going to get when putting an AD in craigslist for “LOVE”? Idiots! Now the wife, she probably had more right than anyone to lash out — but, like you said in your “legal” part “violence..doesn’t solve problems…”.

    Am I being too serious? Sorry! Maybe I need to relax a bit — but I just found it..SAD. I know you think the man is an idiot, but I think the woman are just as bad (and I expect more from women!).

    (yeah, I’m off to take a chill pill….sorry!)

    • Yes, Nadia, you are taking me too seriously. 🙂 I don’t condone what these fine ladies did. I just see humor in the whole situation–but that’s my lame brain trying to find a happy ray of sunshine in this dark and troubled world. You are correct, though. You will note that they actually were arrested and charged for this.

      • I know..forgive me! I don’t do well when I haven’t had my coffee first! You’re right! And honestly…it was a little funny 😉

  4. Nadia (for some reason there was no option to reply directly…)
    Lack of coffee has the same effect on me. This morning, my wife shook me awake to tell me that the cat had an “accident” in the bathroom and could I please clean it. My eyes were half shut, I hadn’t had coffee, the “accident” was a small explosion upon the wall and the floor, and the smell was making me gag. That is not a nice way to wake up and would be a very bad time to respond to a blog. 🙂

    • Oh, Abe! I can help you with your “threaded comments” settings (that’s why you can’t reply to me directly above). Here are the directions to change it:

      1) Go to “My Dashboard”
      2) Then, go to “Settings”
      3) Then, go to “Discussions”
      4) Then within the Discussions page, go to “other comment settings”

      You’ll see the option to “enable threaded comments” — I put mine to “7” since it seems the amount that fits comfortably with my experience, but you can change it to whatever you want and therefore allow a stream of comments to go for as long (or as little) as you want.

      See what a good cup of coffee, a run and no “kitty accident” to have to deal with in the morning? *smile*….

      Hugs Abe! Happy Friday evening!

      • Thanks! It’s a good thing you are a smarty-pants!

  5. It goes t show, messing around with women above ones pay grade may be sticky.

    I don’t understand the ‘sexual assault’ bit; the man had been paid for his services thus what the women did was a mere destruction of a ‘tool of trade’ and as important his tool is, the man is still left with other implements that enable his to continue to plough his trade.

    BTW, is he entitled for TARP money on the basis that his tool is too big to fail?

    :-)))

    • I believed his failure is and was completely unavoidable. But it wouldn’t hurt to give him loads of money. I think that would make everyone happy.


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